


you're the song (my heart is beating to)

by cyclothimic



Series: how much to give (how much to take) [4]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Awesome Peggy Carter, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Peggy Carter Lives, Romance, Steve Rogers is a Stupid Marshmallow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-03
Updated: 2016-02-03
Packaged: 2018-05-18 00:59:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5892022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cyclothimic/pseuds/cyclothimic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Imagine her surprise when she found a section dedicated to herself. If it was back in the 1940s, they wouldn't even bother giving her a spot, demoting her to a mere love interest. She had to blush when she saw a particularly intimate photo of her and Steve, huddled together by the blueprint table as she was attentively staring at the map while he was staring at her with that look in his eyes.</p><p>She just wished she could see him now, so she could see that look in his eyes again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you're the song (my heart is beating to)

**Author's Note:**

> i did say a follow-up, though it might have taken a lot longer than it should

_And I know these scars will bleed,_

_But both of our hearts believe,_

_All of these stars will guide us home_

_-All of These Stars, Ed Sheeran_

* * *

This new world, it was the most confusing adventure she'd ever had to be on. New York used to be her home, the one place she could navigate around even with her eyes closed, where things used to be _simple_ and…what was that word? _Vintage_.

Now though, she was sitting here, on a balcony on god knows which floor of a tower the son of the man she used to call her best friend, looking out at a city painted with skyscrapers and colored with modern cars honking the most ridiculous kind of honks she could imagine. She guessed she must have spent too much time in the old folks home that she couldn't catch up with the advancement this world had taken, most of them an improvement from Howard's genius.

Peggy could barely wrap her head around it. She had to admit, she kind of missed Thompson and the rest of the SSR, because despite of their misogyny and utter disrespect towards her gender, she was _familiar_ with them. She missed the real Edwin Jarvis, not the mechanized voice that just transmitted _everywhere_ in the tower. She missed Howard, and his admittedly disastrous marriage to Maria. She could still remember when she actually _carried_ baby Tony in her arms and watched him on his first bicycle ride.

Oh, and Daniel, god, she missed him so. Daniel Sousa was not her one true love, he never could be. He had accepted that fact when he proposed to her, but he was the next best thing. And he was willing, he was so willing, and she did love him, as much as she could. And they had a happy life, with a house and a family.

"Hard to get used to, isn't it?" Natasha sat down next to her with a bottle of red wine and two wine glasses.

Peggy laughed as she watched her new red-headed enemy-turned-friend pouring wine. "I don't even know where to begin." She picked up one glass while Natasha took the other. "First of all, I never would have thought Bucky Barnes would end up falling in love with the very organization SSR is strongly against."

Oh yes, she had heard the story a few times, all those times because she couldn't fathom the fact that James Buchanan Barnes was, indeed, _still_ alive. With a metal arm, no less, and a very scattered brain that could only be put together by the very woman sitting next to her. She had heard the story – of how Natasha saved Bucky from himself, how she was his only thread to humanity and he was her very essence to what being human felt like, how they lost each other for decades because of a mistake they swore they could make if time was to reverse, how they found each other decades later and the hardships they went through to get to where they are today – and she could only start to familiarize with the former Russian Assassin when Bucky basically came to beg her to give Natasha a chance.

"She's the one good thing in my life right now. And you were – still are, if you will have me – one of my best friends. Please, try to see her as who she is and not who she was." And Peggy thought that if she could do it with Bucky, why couldn't she do the same with Natasha?

"Oh, come on! Are we back to that?" Natasha complained with good natured chuckle, sipping from her wine. "Drinking Tony's stash in the middle of the night is the best," she appreciated after humming in appreciation.

Peggy released the same sound once she drank it. "Indeed, it is." She took a deep breath and leaned back. "I assume that Steve is off to another mission."

Natasha could only glance at her regretfully, answering her with her guilty silence.

Peggy sighed and drank more. Since she'd been back, Steve had offered no more than two sentences and hasty farewell. And then later only did she find out that he practically begged Nick Fury to give him a job even though there really was no SHIELD anymore. And it just happened over and over again. Peggy didn't think she'd seen him since that time after her one month of return.

She had such pent up frustration in her that she'd gotten to take it out on the sandbags in the gymnasium and sometimes a sparring session with _any_ of the Avengers – well, except Bruce and Thor. She wouldn't dare even if she was a considerably well-trained woman.

When she had woken up, young and fresh with skin barren of wrinkles and voice clear as day, Tony had been there, with a smile that was a mixture of sadness and happiness.

"Good morning, Aunt Peggy," he had greeted softly, his hand holding hers so softly like he was afraid she might break. And then he began to ask her about what she remembered about herself and she still felt hints of dementia and if she would like a mirror. "The Captain doesn't know that you agreed to this. What say we go and surprise him?"

She was expecting a burst of joy from the blonde haired man – her one true love – and maybe even a kiss. She didn't know what she expected, really. But it _certainly_ was not a sublime welcome from him and then a disappearing act of a whole month's worth. As much as she missed him and anticipated that one day when he would gather his senses and come to her, she had a rant prepared in her head, ready to release a storm upon him.

"That man still doesn't understand _one thing_ about women," she complained.

"Well, _all_ men never do," Natasha disagreed with a smirk.

Peggy tipped her glass in Natasha's direction. "I will drink to that."

"He'll come to his senses," Natasha offered several quiet minutes later. "Steve might be stupid, but I've been watching him for a long time. He's never let go of you. And he'll never dare to miss an opportunity to a reunion."

* * *

"So I was thinking," the man began as soon as they were all gathered in the common quarters, Peggy's eyes stuck on the huge ass TV as she watched the forever handsome Humphrey Bogart.

"Your father used to say that and nothing good ever came out of his mouth," Peggy said warily, finally shaking her gaze away from the screen. "I hope it'll be different with you."

"Does it not creep you out that she looks like _that_ but she's actually only a few years younger than your Dad?" the Falcon – Sam Wilson – said with a shudder.

Bucky smirked, joined by his partner on the couch as he slung an arm around Natasha, who was smirking with him. Peggy had to mirror them. "Hey, respect the elders," Bucky sniped, pointing at the three of them.

Sam's eyes flitted between them before he sighed and shook his head. "How can I still be surprised?" he murmured to himself.

"While the Captain is still out there being a big ass fool and sticking his head further up his ass, we could find you something to do," Tony said, steering them back to his intended topic. "I mean, it's been a little more than a month. You must be so bored that you might actually enjoy watching Humphrey Bogart insulting every woman in all the movies he's been in."

"I don't know. His face makes it almost forgivable," Natasha cut in, dazedly watching the movie that Peggy had ordered.

"Exactly," Peggy agreed. "It's a pity he's dead."

" _Ladies_!" Tony barked in irritation. "So what do you think, Aunt Peggy? You don't have to go back out in the field. We could let you be behind the scenes, giving us tactical opinions while we're in the field. My Dad used to tell me that he has never met a person smarter than you. Well, except for him, of course."

"Okay, how about we start with you calling me Peggy? It's quite unfair that I look younger than you but you're calling me _Aunt Peggy_ ," she sneered in mild distaste.

Tony blinked. He squirmed in his seat as he stared at her. He then cleared his throat with a stiff nod. "Okay…Peggy."

Then she started to stare at him, not bothering to say anything. They were all watching her, anticipating her answer. And if she had learned anything from Steve, it was to be dramatic. She kind of liked it that everyone was just waiting for her, allowing the silence to shroud them. She kept a mysterious smile on her face while she only kept her gaze on Tony.

The boy she used to carry in her arms and took piggybacking and took him to his first bicycle ride and babysat for when his parents were not on good terms again, that boy had grown up. As she observed him, she marveled at the way he had grown. He found the love he deserved with a woman she certainly respected and admired. He managed to make a success of himself with his father's legacy and his own intellect. She couldn't be prouder.

"Well?" Wanda said, unable to help with the tension any longer.

"Thankfully, what you said just now is actually much better compared to whatever your father would have said following that phrase," Peggy responded enigmatically with a hum.

They all shared looks. And then Natasha, god bless that woman, grinned. "Welcome to the team, Peggy."

* * *

She couldn't be more thankful to be able to finally escape the vehicle, hastily paying the driver and not even waiting for change before she stumbled out of the yellow car and stood on the sidewalk with a sigh of relief. Who would have thought that along with the advance and modernization of the world, cab drivers' skills would deteriorate? It was absolutely atrocious.

Peggy fished out a device that Tony had shoved into her hand two days ago, thinking that it was time for her to familiarize with the advanced mobile technology. However, this was more advanced than the usual smartphones out there, as he had claimed. She couldn't understand why they called them _smart_ phones when obviously, the phones were dead and only operate on humans' commands.

A Stark device, talk about originality.

She fumbled with it for a few moments as she attempted to turn it on. The thing was so sleek and slim and freaking _invisible_ that she had a hard time tracking the buttons. She breathed in relief while simultaneously cursing Tony for not taking the time to guide her through the usage of such a complicated item.

_Safety report. I am alive._

She sent the text and put the thing where it belonged – her purse. Texting was obviously a trend now. Back in the day, they would post letters and hoped that they reach the targeted receiver. She was still familiarizing and getting the hang of pressing an on screen keyboard to type out words and then sending them electronically.

She entered the building and was immediately greeted, " _Welcome to the Smithsonian_!" She had known that they built a special section just for Steve but she had been too weak and aged to come and see it for herself. She also knew that they collected footages of her and maybe even some photos of _her_ with Steve and the Howling Commandos.

Peggy grabbed a brochure and found the map in one of the pages. She easily navigated herself around the building, finding the Captain America exhibit quite easily. She eyed the drawing of Steve, wearing the helmet and saluting. His eyes in the drawing just lacked material, because _Steve_ 's eyes were vibrant with compassion and boyish charm, bravery and patriotism; in the drawing, his eyes were boring and dull.

The only time she saw his face now was the occasional passing of the television news of Captain America sightings. She sighed and cursed him for being a coward before moving on. She passed by Bucky's part of the exhibition and chuckled at the both of them, black and white and flickering, laughing to their own inside joke.

Bucky had warned her against coming here. "It's not worth it. Brings back more bad than good," Bucky had said with a shake of his head as he gave her a meaningful look. "You see those videos and those photos and you remember that you're the only one left alive, that they're all gone and you're all there is. And you might never join them for a _long_ time."

His point reached across right about now. The mannequins stood in a row, facing them. The one standing forefront and center was donned with Steve's old outfit, and then followed were just Howling Commandos. A melancholic smile crossed her lips when she saw the one with the bowler hat.

Bourbon with Dum Dum was one of the best times she had when she was in the SSR.

Imagine her surprise when she found a section dedicated to herself. If it was back in the 1940s, they wouldn't even bother giving her a spot, demoting her to a mere love interest. She had to blush when she saw a particularly intimate photo of her and Steve, huddled together by the blueprint table as she was attentively staring at the map while _he_ was staring at her with that look in his eyes.

She just wished she could see him now, so she could see that look in his eyes again.

* * *

How was it possible that her children died before her? What was the logic behind that?

Peggy stood in front of her husband and her children's headstones on their family's plot, taking in their wrinkled and grinning faces. She had to fight so hard to not allow herself to break down right there. She clenched her jaw and attempted to carve holes into all their headstones.

She wanted more. She wanted to talk to them. She wanted one more chance to bond with them and listen to them complain to her about their workplace and complain to them about being too doting of children that they were scaring her. She just wanted more time with them.

She lowered her head and allowed the clog in her throat to relieve its duty, releasing a heart wrenching sob. She had missed them. Hearing their pattering feet on the living room floor and listening to them bicker over toys used to be music to her ears. Having them wake her and her husband up in the middle of the night was a better experience than anything she had ever experienced.

What she would give to have them back by her side once again.

She was so lost in her grief that she didn't notice someone sidling to her side until they spoke. "I am so sorry, Peggy." She gasped and spun her head to see Steve's clear features through her blurred vision. He stared at her with a saddened face. "You don't deserve this."

She gulped, fires of anger and embers of joy licking at her emotions and threatening to burst out of her chest. She decided that she would only explode upon him when they returned home. "I don't deserve a lot of things that have happened to me," she enunciated.

His eyes widened slightly in surprise and he shrunk back in guilt. "You're right."

If he had been gone for less than a month, she might be able to just let it go, because if it were her, she probably would have done the same thing. But he'd been gone for _two_ months. She hadn't seen him in _two_ months; she deserved a lot more than a sudden reappearance and an apology.

She deserved her children. She deserved a life well lived; a _second_ life well lived. She deserved a man whom she loved with all her heart and was never able to let go to not run away. She deserved dedication.

She did not deserve this.

And she just…she just didn't have the energy to be angry with him when she was standing in front of her _children's_ graves. So she sighed in defeat and launched herself into his ready warmth, burrowing her head into her chest and cried her sorrows away.

* * *

"Explain," she barked sternly once she alighted the elevator car, followed shortly by Steve.

Clint and Bruce, who were playing a serious game of poker in the common area, took one look at them and then scrambled away, leaving their playing cards face up on the transparent coffee table. Before Clint left though, he gave Steve a teasing look with a shake of his head.

She pulled off her coat and then her jacket, untying her ponytail to let her once again luscious, black hair fall past her shoulders. She spun around and face him, steeling herself against the blue of his eyes and the basic manly aura that attracted her to him in the first place. She jerked her chin to urge him on.

He seemed to be at a loss of words, wincing under her scrutiny and performing a guppy fish imitation with his lips. She clenched her jaw, brushing her hand through her hair in frustration as she released an exasperated groan into the air.

"Do you know _why_ I agree to let Tony jab his needles into my skin with a foreign blue serum that has not been certified medically by anyone but Bruce Banner?" she growled. "Why I would let myself come back to _this_ when I could just rot away and join my family? Have you ever wondered?" He didn't dare meet her eyes, frowning down at his loafers. " _Look at me_!" she commanded, her voice shaking with anger. He did. " _Two months_ , Steve! Not one week, not one month; _two_ months!

"You ran away like a scared little puppy for two months and for what? To fight HYDRA? To sustain injuries? To take down pirates? To help Fury with his ridiculous missions? Is that it? Are they worth it? Are they worth it compared to facing one puny little woman who resumed her youth because she wanted a life with you?"

"You're not just a woman," he fought back, taking her by surprise with the determination and fury in his eyes. He took a step closer and repeated, "You are _not_ just a woman. You are _anything_ but _just_ a woman. You're the woman who fought alongside the Howling Commandos like it's everyday chore. You're the woman who founded the goddamn organization I took down with my bare hands. You're the woman who encouraged me to be who I am today. You're the woman I thought I'd lost my chance with when I woke up seventy years later. You're the woman I fell in love with.

"You scare the hell out of me, Peggy," he chortled darkly, a sneer twisting his lips. "I was so prepared to attend your funeral. I even bought a fucking three-piece to be ready for it. I was sure that I'd go on with the rest of my life without you by my side. I was certain that one day, you'd erase me from your memories." He licked his lips, shaking his head as he gave her a onceover, not with lust but with wonder. "But now you're here, young and beautiful and with so much fucking fire that I don't know how to deal with you! How do I go from being ready for you to die to finally having the chance to dance with you and hold your hands and eat ice cream together and make love to you? How do you expect me to see you like this and suddenly get rid of all my previous preparations?"

She stared at him, partly in shock and partly from incensed anger. She settled on the anger, finding it easier to express, and pushed him hard on his chest with her palms until he tumbled back a few steps. "That doesn't justify you leaving me here after a simple 'Good to see you back'! I deserve more than that! My children are dead! I practically have nothing else to live for! But I accepted the treatment because I thought I could have a chance with the man I truly loved with my whole heart; the man I _still_ love for some godforsaken reason, considering he dumped me all alone. I needed you to help me to adjust to this world! This new world with stupid smartphones and fucking 4K TVs and freaking voices from the past over the intercoms; I needed your help and you abandoned me, Steve Rogers! How could you ever think that was okay?"

"I didn't." She blinked. His own anger had dissolved into mere guilt and disappointment, at himself, she supposed. "I was a coward. I ran the first chance I got because…bad guys I can handle. I can fight them and put them in jail. But you, I just…I don't know how to deal with this. I can hardly look at you right now without thinking that this is all just an illusion and Wanda's tricking me again. And I'm really sorry that I left." He made sure to look her in the eyes to express his next words. "But I'm here now. And I love you. And I'm ready to right all my wrongs if you'll let me."

When he looked at her like that, with sincerity and apology and adoration and such nobility, she just found herself buckling under the weight of his gaze. She stepped towards him until she was in his face and she took his face in her hands, lightly grazing his sideburns with her thumbs as she locked eyes with him. He sighed and closed his eyes, leaning into her touch, making her smile gently.

"I'm here, Steve. I'm real. I need you to be brave because despite the fact that I can definitely live on in this world and adapt, I don't want to do it without you here."

He nodded and opened his eyes. "I promise," he whispered.

It was the sheer commitment and love in his voice that made her pull him down for the second kiss. And as they kissed, she was sure that it wouldn't be their last. She would make sure it wasn't.

**Author's Note:**

> so? what do you think? i might write more to this verse...hmm....


End file.
